


transcendence

by curseddwinky (photonstark), photonstark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adoption, Blood and Injury, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, CPR, Cannibalism, Dancing, Diarrhea, Elf Sex, F/M, Found Family, Ginny Weasley death, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, House-Elf Abuse (Harry Potter), Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Murder, Romance, Ron Weasley death, Twins, Violence, Vomit, gingerphobia, teeth dildo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:33:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23164060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photonstark/pseuds/curseddwinky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/photonstark/pseuds/photonstark
Summary: Dobby, new to the Hogwarts kitchens, meets the love of his life, a troubled House Elf named Winky. Together, they find happiness.
Relationships: Dobby/Bill Weasley, Dobby/Winky (Harry Potter), Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, Severus Snape/Winky
Comments: 16
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> we are sorry

Today was the day. His first day at Hogwarts as an official and free elf. Harry Potter’s sock tied as a belt around his waist, like a badge of honour. The Harry Potter had freed him from the cruel, abusive hands of the Malfoys.

He walked nervously towards the kitchens, knees bent inwards as he tapped his fingers together, breathing in shyly before tickling the pear on the portrait to be let in. The first thing that greeted him when he stepped through was the stench of firewhiskey. Sat in the corner of the kitchens on a decrepit, old stool was the most gorgeous Elf he had ever seen. Her skin was beautifully wrinkled, and her big blue eyes sparkled in the fire light. However, her aura was surrounded in a deep cloud of depression.

Dobby scutters up to one of the head elves, marked by a bright red tea cozy, and bows deeply, a sign of respect. “AAAAAAAAAA” the head elf, Cronky, screams at another young elf, Horny. He whips out a spatula and boinks the sad elf on the head, as Dobby watched on in horror. The horror quickly morphed to fascination as Horny the elf went immediately back to work, comforted by the other elves at his station. Why? At Malfoy Manor, Dobby would’ve been forced to eat burning coal dipped in Draco’s explosive diarrhea for sitting down; and that was if he was lucky.

Another elf, Gonzy, scuttered up to Dobby having noticed his fascination with the beating, “You came from the Malfoy house, didn’t you.” He rasped, his voice filled with wisdom while still sounding vaguely helium filled. “Yes, Dobby came from the Malfoys! Why, sir?” The older elf blinked at Dobby for several seconds before leaning in and whispering “We don’t eat shit dipped coal here, son.” patting Dobby fondly on the back. Dobby promptly burst into tears.

That was the good punishment! What was the good punishment here if not shit covered coal? He was too afraid to voice his question aloud and, when no one asked, he fled to the corner where the gorgeously depressed Elf was recovering from a beating. What he didn’t notice as he sat in a ball near the fire was that she was surrounded by discarded firewhiskey bottles.

As Dobby contemplated a future without shit-covered coal, the smashed House Elf was stretching out her knobbly fingers towards his precious sock. She was about a bowtruckle’s length away from it when he finally noticed. “HANDS OFF DOBBY’S SOCK! THIS SOCK WAS GIVEN TO DOBBY BY MASTER HARRY POTTER. DO NOT TOUCH HARRY POTTER’S SOCK!” He screeched. At this point all the elves in the kitchen had stopped mid beating, cooking, wanking, and cleaning to stare at the scene.

Winky burst into tears, falling from her stool onto the stone floor, her skull cracking loudly against the stones. A collective, high pitched gasp swept across the kitchens, each elf’s eyes bugging out of their wrinkle-ridden faces. Dobby froze, the sound of his own head hitting Master Malfoy’s floor echoing in his subconscious, how it felt to have blood stuck in his wrinkled forehead for weeks after the event.

Was he as bad as Master Malfoy? No, he couldn’t be! But as he looked around the horrified kitchen, his heart was weighed down with guilt.

He looked at the pathetic clump of flesh that was the House Elf, before gingerly offering his hand.

“Dobby is very sorry.” he said softly as Winky blinked owlishly up at him. For several seconds silence reigned over the room before suddenly, Winky interlaced her bony, flesh covered sticks with Dobby’s own and allowed herself to be pulled into his surprisingly warm embrace despite his gaunt appearance.

“WASSUP FUCKERS!” Dumbledore cried as he burst into the kitchen, the door bouncing against the stone wall, and his cloak billowing behind him.

The moment was ruined. Dobby vowed revenge against his boomer ass. Winky quickly scurried back into the corner, whimpering away from the ancient homosexual. ‘Gay ass.’ She thought to herself.

Pushing their homophobic thoughts aside, they waited attentively for whatever the old bitch had to say. “So as you all know, the infamous murderer Sirius Black has escaped Azkaban. I’m not too worried about it, if students die they die. Also, he’s completely innocent, but when he attended Hogwarts he displayed homosexual behaviour and, again as you all know, I have insane internalized homophobia, and the only gay man I will ever stan is one that is also a werewolf.” The elves all were just standing there. “Anyways…” he continued when no one said anything, “be on the lookout and remember to mass produce chocolate and also no fucking each other! I got in trouble last time I sent your children to work.” Dobby audibly gasped, unaware that fucking was against the rules. Why? At the Malfoy’s he had been required to suck Master Lucius Malfoy’s dick at least six times a day. He, again, forced down his questions as well as his dick from looking at Winky for several moments, but he caught her shyly gazing at it. A blush crept up his dick and he quickly looked away. ‘I need to talk to Master Harry’ he thought to himself, following the old headmaster out of the portrait, his wrinkly feet slapping against the stone floor of the castle.

He made it to the Fat Lady portrait and barely registered her screeched note as he leapt through her open hole. House Elves didn’t need passwords to scuttle into the dorms. He thought briefly about how it would feel to leap into Winky’s open hole, before pushing the thought aside. The common room was unusually vacant when he scuttled though its open room, like a lonely sperm in a tissue. The only two people were Seamus and Dean who were violently kissing in the corner. Dobby had to force down both the acidic vomit and the slurs that threatened to spill into the air.

He scuttered up the stairs, his feet tip tapping on the stone, he pressed his monstrous dick against the door. His ability, granted to all house elves, to hear through his weiner coming in handy. It pulsated wildly for a few moments until he was able to conclude that all the boys in the dorms were sleeping. He scuttered in and up to Master Harry’s bed. “Master Harry? Wake up!” he said, slapping the 13 year old hard in the skull.

Harry stirred, sitting up and putting on his ugly ass glasses. “What do you want, you cute little elf?” He whispered, as to not wake up his mates. “Dobby is catching feelings, master.” He bent his knees inward and put his fingers together, feeling suddenly shy. “Oh word? Dobby, who is he?” Dobby jumped back several feet, a bony hand jumping up to his mouth, “Master Harry owo!! I am not a homosexual!” He proceeded to actually projectile vomit, drenching Ron in the sticky liquid.

Harry was shocked, as a bicurious teen himself.

“Dobby. My bitch, my home skillet biscuit. I’m……. Not straight.” Dobby almost faints and stares in shock at the young teen. A slur fell out of his mouth and he didn’t even notice as once again, vomit covered Ronald Billius Weasley. He proceeded to die. “Ron!” Harry called out, pushing passed the still disgusted and homophobic elf.

Dobby scuttered homophobicly out of the room, leaving Harry behind to perform frantic CPR on his very dead, ginger friend. Dobby scuttled down the hallway, paying no mind to the staff who were meandering to get to the dorm where a student lay dead. This was Hogwarts after all. He was wondering where he had gone wrong, befriending a homo. He was kind’ve pissed too because stupid, apparently bi, Harry James Potter had been no help with his feelings that he had now classified as: caught. Oh Lawd.

Ignoring the horde of crying Weasley’s (their ugly pale faces all splotchy), Dobby dejectedly stared out of the window, the rain drops running down the glass a reflection of his mood. He was so in his feelings he barely even noticed Winky scuttering up behind him. “Hey you sexy beast….” she whispered in his giant ear. A shiver ran down his exposed spine, having stripped only moments before, and he spun around quickly. Her alcohol scented breath slithering down his overgrown ears.

“Hey...wait. I don’t know your name.” Dobby admitted, turning his knees inwards as he tapped his fingers together nervously. She bites her tiny, wrinkled bottom lip and, like Dobby, becomes suddenly shy and bends her knees in and points her fingers together. “I’m Winky!” she giggled and hiccuped, a bubble of alcohol escaping her mouth. Dobby scuttled closer, blinking flirtily at her.

Their hands brushed together like a windchime made of brittle bones. The romantic moment was once again broken, this time by some random ginger sket crying over the dead child. “What the fuck is up, Kyle?” Dobby shrieked angrily, no longer caring to respect humans. “I-I’m not Kyle, I’m Ginny. Ginny Weasley. Well, Ginevra Molly Weasley to be exact.” Dobby and Winky both just stared vacantly, Winky occasionally hiccuping. Ginny still had tears streaming down her face as she stared back. “My brother’s just died innit.” After what seemed like 437.5 minutes Dobby charged!

He leapt onto her small face, his elvish talons sliding into her eyeballs that he proceeded to rip from her face. She screamed loud enough to wake the portrait of naked Sonic the Hedgehog who ran, really fucking fast, to alert the homophic gay headmaster. Dobby continued absolutely ripping the young girl apart. He pulled her ugly carrot hair from its roots and then homophobically shoved it into her mouth, homophobically. He jumped down from her face, scuttering like a feral crab to rip her spine out of her back and then shove it up her a- JUST THEN, Professor Minerva McGonagall burst into the room a “ten points from Slytherin on her lips” when she saw what was happening.

“Oh my fucking god.” She then simply turned and walked back out.

Classic Hogwarts.

Dobby stared uncaringly at the second dead ginger of the day. “2 down, 7 to go.” He said, aloud, adding to his classified kill count; did gingers even count as people? Winky was staring at him, her expression the same as 1 minute ago when Ginny was still alive. “That was hot.” Was all she said before scuttling away into the night.

“Wait!” He called, scuttering over the ginger corpse, his toes slapping on the ground. “Winky! You sexy mf!” He was frozen in place, metaphorically and literally because Ginny had, for some reason, gorilla glue in her pocket that had spilled when she was brutally unalived. Dobby heard the sound of Mrs. Norris the cat skimpering down the corridor and hastily apparated back to the kitchens. What he didn't realize was the gorilla glue had connected him with Ginevra’s corpse which apparated to the kitchens with him. Not that big a deal but it would be a big mess to clean up. “Sorry fam.” he said to the kitchen at large.

Gonzy, the wise old elf simply put the freshest Weasley corpse in the freezer, a treat for later.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dobby gets adopted.

The next day, Dobby woke up to the worst thing a person can wake up to…. “WHASSUP FUCKERS!” It was unfortunatly Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, again. While all the other house elves stopped their beating, cooking, wanking, and cleaning to salute at attention, which for elves is knees bent inward and fingers together, Dobby stayed laying on the floor. “Dobby! Eyes up!” Dumbledore demanded, to which Dobby simply lifted one, scrawny middle finger. 

Dumbledore looked gayly for a moment, considering if he wanted to continue arguing but thought better of it, as after all, Dobby was an alpha male. “So, basically, we’re looking for who caused the death of the two ginger Weasleys.” He pointed his bright blue eyeballs at Dobby, as did the rest of the house elves. Dobby, in turn, looked behind him as if to say, ‘I don’t know who fucking did it, it was probably some high 12 year old.’ 

“Anyways, if you know will you all tell us?” Dumbledore asked calmly, still screaming. All the elves nodded their hideous little heads, and Dumbledore turned to leave, kicking them aside like Anakin with the younglings. His cloak billowed like a typical homo as he slammed the pear shut behind him.

After he left the elves all collectively rolled their giant eyes, literally as one. Their eye sockets are so large that you could audibly hear the organs of the visual system moving. It was creepy. “Finally some fucking peace and quiet.” Dobby said loudly, causing the rest of the elves to agree. “Hey wait!” Dobby said to no one in particular, “Where is the sexy mf, Winky? Obi-Juan, whoever the fuck you are, you’re my only ho.” No one replied so he apparated directly in Snape’s bathroom where Sexy Snively Sevvy was dressing in full drag. “Get out.” He said, the same drawling tone as usual. “Aye aye, Daddy.” Dobby said before apparating away again. 

This time he appeared in the middle of the Great Hall, where the Jedi-religion students were praying. “Oh shut up!” Dobby said, bursting through their group and plowing down several students all cosplaying as the war criminal, Yoda. Dobby continues to scutter up to the head table where Dumbledore is chowing down on some acai. “Dumbleydore!” He shrieked, throwing his hands down on the table, with a moist slap. “Where is the sexy mf, Winky?” Dumbledore stared, before turning to the rest of the faculty and saying “I hate to say it I hope I don’t sound ridiculous but I don't know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street and I...I wouldn't know a thing. Sorry to this man.” The rest of the teachers nodded in agreement and turned back to their bright orange soup that was, unbeknownst to them, made of Ginny’s corpse.

“Aye laddies, t’elves really outdid themselves today!” Hagrid said, spilling the soup all down his bushy beard as he hungrily drank the chunky meal. Dobby stared at him, wondering if he should say something, “Yo Hagrid,” he said, “you know that’s made of Ginny Weasley’s dead body right?” The staff all freeze, staring down in horror at their own bowls. Tears instantly form in Hagrid’s eyes and McGonagall has to leave the table in horror. 

They are broken from their stupors as they see Trelawny now eagerly downing the bowl. “Explains why I find it so tasty!” Classic Sybill. A strand of ginger hair hangs from her thin, English lips. “Look, as fun as this has been…. and Sybill I’m glad you enjoyed the meal… where is the sexy mf, Winky?” 

“She’s washing Professor Snape’s laundry.” McGonagall said, helpful as opposed to when she saw Ginny being murdered and walked away, before continuing to eat the soup that she was now aware was made of said dead student.

“Thanks b!” Dobby said, throwing up a backwards peace sign for fellow rebels. He scuttered out of the hall and towards the laundry room.

And there she was. Sensually sniffing Snape’s dirty lingerie was his beautiful, wrinkled flesh elf. She didn’t notice him come in and began quietly humming Bringing Sexy Back. “Yeah you sure are.” Dobby said, scuttering into the room. “Oh.... hey Dobby.” 

“Listen, Winky…” He starts, knees bent inwards and pointing his fingers together, nervously. “First of all, I think you are swell and also have a killer rack.” Winky looks down confused at her flat chest. Dobby smiles, his face reminiscent of the Grinch, specifically Jim Carey’s Grinch. “Second of all, I know, and I think you know too, that we’re soulmates. When I was hatched from my mother’s egg womb, my first thought other than being covered in some interesting bodily fluids, was of you. The slimy vaginal mucus reminded me of your toes and I’ve spent every day of my 436 year existence dreaming of the day I’d finally meet your sexy ass. While I was forced to eat shit-covered coal I simply imagined the coal was in fact, your shit. It stunk and it was crunchy but I couldn’t hold back a smile at the thought of it one day truly being yours. And then, when I saw you sitting all sexily on that stool I knew that soon I would be eating your stool.”

Winky blinked in surprise, the sound of her moist eyelids opening and closing so loud it echoed across the room. Dobby waited, internally praying that Winky’s anus would immediately begin to flutter. It didn’t. It was flutterless.

Instead Winky lept away from Dobby, Snape’s dirty lingerie dropping to the floor just as Dobby’s heart dropped into his ass. “Winky?” He asked, reaching a slender, slick finger out to touch her tiddie.

“But what about Daddy Snapey?” A drawling voice calls from the doorway.

Dobby’s rage peaked. He was gonna go sicko mode on his ass. ‘No wait,’ he thinks to himself, ‘I can’t take on Snape, he has the power of God and anime on his side.’ Without warning he disapparates, emerging right in front of the next unsuspecting Weaslablies.

Upon seeing the seething little elf, Fred and George approached, crouching down besides him.

“Roight, what’s all this then?” George said, slapping his thighs.

“I haven’t a clue, George.” Fred smiled.

“You dare laugh at me, mortals?” Dobby said, his voice deep from anger. His giant, moist eyeballs began glowing a nice pastel pink. He whips out an energy sword and before Gred and Forge can say “Fungal nail infection” Dobby has sliced off and devoured George’s ear. Bone apple feet. George crumbled to the ground, like a dick going flaccid. Dobby’s on the other hand was erect. The thrill of the slice made him instantly horny, as it should.

Fred stares at his screaming identical brother and, stricken by fear, begins frantically doing the macarena, tears streaming down his pale cheeks. A comfort dance. Dobby is pleasantly surprised and joins in!

Dumbledore rolls by on his Heelys, notices the dying ginger, panicked ginger, and hairless ginger. He thinks maybe he should stop and be a responsible headmaster, but he doesn’t want to miss Snape’s orgy. McGonagall is bringing biscuits! He couldn’t miss those ginger snaps for the world! The only valid gingers.

At that moment, Hermione strolls by on the way to her weekly study session with Moaning Myrtle when she sees the painfully red scene. She blinked confusedly at the dancing Dobby and Fred. The only time she had seen dancing that terrific was when her Uncle had busted out all of Hoedown Throwdown on the dance floor at her 97 year old neighbours wedding. She goes to join in but just as she’s out stretching her first arm she slips in George’s blood sliding until she lands at Dobby’s muculent feeties. 

“I’m going to adopt you.” Hermione says staring up into Dobby syrupy eyes. 

“Bet.” Dobby said. He wants to immediately start bonding with his new mother, but there’s still the issue of the remaining, dancing Weasley. “Fred come here!” Dobby says with a warm smile. Fred stumbles forward, pale. (but that’s normal) Dobby opens his wrinkled arms and Fred greedily accepts the hug, after all, as the 5th child of a horde of gingers, his mother had never shown him any affection. In fact, she breastfed George, and had a garden gnome suckle Fred. He is instead met with one of Snape’s handcrafted sharpened dildos made of teeth to the chest. Fred stares down in gingery shock and collapses to the floor next to his now unalived ginger twin. 

Hermione is shocked but proud of her new, homophobic son. Although she was a lesbian herself, she was very open-minded and accepted her son for the homophobe that he was.

“Come on son, let’s get out of here before Mrs. Norris comes to eat the bodies. It’s gross as fuck.” 

“Aight mum.” He says cheerily, wiping the deceased gingers from his hands and clothes. 

Smiling, Hermione held out her hand, and her wrinkly son took it and they skipped off to the library together. <333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the teeth dildo is unused dont worry


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't fucking know

Silence loomed over the Great Hall as Dumbledore stood behind the podium.

“Today I bring you bad news,” He began gravely. “Four ginger students have lost their lives completely accidentally in accidents today. Those students are Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, George Weasley, and Fred Weasley. RIP. Please join me in a moment of silence.”

“What the fuck!” Percy shouted, not having been made aware of the deceasion of his four siblings.

Seamus and Dean, having paused from their daily make out session, turn to Percy, “Mate,” Seamus says, “We’re having a moment of silence. Show some respect.” Percy simply blinks motherfuckerly for a moment before jumping onto the table like a melodramatic bitch. “THIS SCHOOL IS A FUCKING SHITSHOW!”

“We been knew.” Harry agrees, thinking of all the times he’d almost died. Dumbledore stares pointedly at Harry, using their telepathic gay link to tell him to shut the fuck up. Harry nods and slinks back under the table to finish polishing Dumbledore’s shoes. 

“Ssssshhhhssssseeesss” He mutters, a Parseltongue slur against old wizards. 

“Anyways, now that we have had our moment of silence for the four dead kids, we may now begin our feast. And remember, Hogwarts is the safest place on Earth!” Dumbledore cheered merrily, immediately tucking into his food.

What the entire Great Hall was unaware of, however, was the elven serial killer scuttling in the shadows, his eyes trained on Percy. Not a single Weasley would remain at this school on Dobby’s watch. Snapping his brittle fingers together, he used his elf magic to sprinkle glass in Percy’s drink. As Percy died from glass consumption, Dobby danced the macarena.

Out of the corner of his enlarged eye, he saw his darling Winky stood in the shadows behind Snape’s chair, plucking Snape’s greasy strands from his brush and sniffing them before consuming. He scuttled behind her and removed the brush from her bony grasp.

“He’ll never love you like I do.” He told her, tucking nothing behind her ear, as they were House Elves, and therefore bald.

“You may saaaay I’m a dreeeaaaaameeeeeeeer.” Winky sang.

“Dream with me,” Dobby replied, poetically. “I’ll do anything for you.”

“Anything?” Winky inquired.

“Anything.” Dobby confirmed.

“Well if you want my heart, you will have to kill Daddy Snapey, because he has my heart right now.”

Dobby nodded. That shouldn’t be too hard. After all, he’d already killed five Weasley’s today, and this kill count didn’t include Others from previous times. But then he remembered that Snape had God and anime on his side. He gulped. Perhaps Dobby could defeat God, but how could he defeat the weebs?

The weebs are a group of students from all 3 of the houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw, led by Geo from Slytherin and Yasmina from Gryffindor. Their complete and utter weebery makes them impossible to kill, but Dobby is a homophobic elf in love. In other words, unstoppable. 

He needed a plan and it would start with McKinley Grace the Basilisksksksk. “I’ll be back when the deed is done, my love.” He whispered seductively in Winky’s gargantuous ear. She couldn’t hold back a cheeky smile, her teefies glinting in the light reflected off Snape’s unwashed hair. In fact, Dobby could see the lice sliding off it, hearing their panicked little screams. Music to his ears.

As he homophobically scuttered down the corridor, his feet slapping moistly on the stone he couldn’t help but think, ‘Is the sexy mf Winky worth all of this. The weebs could kill me. And nothing is more important than me.’ He hated himself for thinking it but then he remembers how Winky was still clutching Snivvy’s dirty lingerie as he poured out his soul to her sexy ass. “STOP IT, DOBBY!” He yells aloud, with enough anger to strike down another Weasley. He does. 500 miles away Charlie Weasley falls dead, falling off the back of a Horny Hornback into the sea. 

The sound alerts some nearby weebs and Dobby quickly disapparates to avoid them and their weebiness. When he opens his eyes he’s on the ground floor of The Burrow™ and he knows why he’s here. Mrs Weasley. Kicking over the gnome that breastfed Fred Weasley, he homophobically scuttered into the kitchen where Molly was writing letters for her children that now do not exist. “Dear Ginny, my only daughter that blessed our family,” She rereads aloud. ‘What family?’ Dobby thinks to himself. Well, thinking about it, it was Ginny’s fault her brothers were so neglected. If she had been born a girl sooner, there would be less Weasley’s for Dobby to slaughter.

“I can’t wait to see you and all your brothers alive at home again. Thinking about you all alive and happy is the only thing that brings me joy in this decrepit world nowadays. Well that and Gilderoy Lockhart. When you’re older and alive we’ll watch his instructional guides together. Your father is very grateful for them. Anyways, next time I see you alive and well you’ll be 13! Love you and grateful you’re alive, Mum. xxx.”

Dobby is doubled over wheezing, which startles Molly from her seat.

“Why are you here, Dobby? Has something happened to my alive children?” This causes Dobby to projectile vomit from laughter. The same vomit that he had earlier used to kill her youngest son. She jumps back in shock. “Dobby! Please answer me.”

Dobby is finally able to collect himself after 3228 seconds. “Molly, I’m gonna level with you, you have maybe one kid left. The rest of doing the macarena in ginger hell now.” 

Molly dropped the letter to the floor and rushed to the family clock, where Ron, Ginny, Fred, and George, Percy, and Charlie’s spoons were all decaying and falling off.

She fell to the ground and began to scream like Jane in that one episode of Jane the Virgin.

Mr Weasley rushed in and saw his wife crying on the ground.

“Roight, what’s all this then?” He said, slapping his thighs.

“Arthur…” She says, her voice shaking with grief, “our children…” 

“What about them financial drains?” He asks. 

“They’re dead bruv,” Dobby helpfully informs him. “Except Billiam. I still have him to kill.”

That catches Molly’s attention and she is instantly on her feet, wand raised and pointed at the elf. “You killed them?” She shouts. 

“I’m actually quite embarrassed that an elf killed them. Did that school not teach them anything? I want my money back.” Arthur says, annoyed. That causes the grief stricken mother to become so enraged that she turns her wand on her husband, “Avada Kedavra!” She says and a green light shoots into the only present male ginger’s chest. 

Dobby briefly wonders if Harry could survive that curse twice. He’d have to try it out sometime. He pulls his latest iphone (cause he ain’t no broke bitch) out of his flesh pouch, similar to a kangaroo’s, and opens the notes app to put that on his to-do list. Right in between his already drafted youtube apology for when this all came out and his poem about Winky’s arse. 

Molly, having just murdered her husband of 21 years, turns her attention back to the elf who murdered 6/7 of her ginger kids. Dobby feels an emotion he’s only felt once before, (when he realized that he had befriended a homosexual, Harry Potter) remorce. But he can’t dwell on it as he quickly snaps his bony fingers, drowning the ginger Mrs. Weasley in her own homemade butterbeer. He stares at the scene: a ginger couple, dead. 

He scuttles over to the bookshelf and steals Mrs. Weasley’s full collection of Gilderoy Lockhart’s “A Guide To A Happy Penis.” to gift to Snape, as Dobby is perfectly happy with his own penis, but if Winky ends up with Snape, he doesn't want her to be unsatisfied. He can be a good guy. 

He signs them specially for Snape: ‘Take care of my lady.’ before snapping his brittle fingers to teleport them onto Snape’s desk. He hoped Snape’s greasy peepee thanked him. 

He apparates back to Hogwarts ready to homophobically formulate a plan to destroy all the weebs. Fuck the weebs.

Spotting the two lead weebs naruto running up and down the corridor, an idea homophobically sprung into his head. ‘I’ll kill the male, using him to scare the rest of the weebs enough that they’ll give up their weebery way of life and flee. Then I’ll hold the girl, who I know won’t give up her anime boys lightly, hostage using her to homophobically kill Snape.

Having stopped naruto running, Dobby spotted the two leaders having a quick snack. Dobby scuttled over to them, ripped the baguette from the male weeb’s hand, and with the strength of one thousand oxen, he picked up the girl, and used her to beat Geo to death. Like Negan with Lucille. A resounding *bonk* echoed off of the stone walls as Geo instantly died with a final “oui.”

The rest of the weebs who had been standing at attention behind Geo and Yasmina, fled in fear from the horrifying scene. Gonzy, the elderly wise house elf, simply appeared with a mop, and began to clean up the remains of the weeb.

Scuttling away, Dobby dragged Yasmina behind him, his newfound weapon silent with shock. He would also use her to beat Snape to death. 

He homophobically scuttered through the doors and into the Great Hall, Yasmina still being weebily, silently dragged behind him. “SNAPE!” He bellows, his voice bouncing off the walls. 

The man in question simply blinks, grease dripping into his eyes from his hair. That is why he is constantly simply blinking. Finally he simply rises, staring simply across the hall to meet Dobby’s yucky eyes. “She is mine. She has eaten my anal lice and she knows me. Nothing you do short of killing me will separate me from Winky.” He drawls, pushing a wet strand of hair out of his sickly face.

“And that,” Dobby says, the ferocity of Dumbledore on acid in his voice, “is exactly what I intend to do.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> snape and dobby fight

Silence loomed over the Great Hall as Dobby swung the student in the air, meaning to use her as a murder weapon. Snape dodges the first swipe, staring up in shock at the soaring weeb in the shrek jumper.

The sight of one of his prized weeb students being flung into the air shocked Snape into action. He jumped over the teachers table and grabbed a first year Gryffindor to use as a weapon against Dobby, who was homophobically wielding the weeb. The constant swinging had woken the weeb from her silent state and she was now screaming hysterically. 

“Silence, weeb!” Dobby calls up, the screams distracting him from his target. He considers the girl’s effectiveness as a weapon for a moment before homophobically deciding she was not worth the gay screams. He lowered her to the ground, pulling a stick of deodorant from his flesh pouch and pointing it at her, “Any last words?”

“Do you ever poop in your sleeping?” She said, looking him straight in his left eyenostril. 

Dobby blinks in shock, his eyelids audibly squelching, pausing to reflect back on his life, ‘Have I ever pooped in my sleeping?’ He thinks to himself before answering, with little confidence, “No.” He proceeds to murder Yasmina with the hygiene tool. The weeb was dead.

The Great Hall erupted in the screams of children, all fleeing from the muder scene, which considering it was Hogwarts, should’ve been a more normal sight. The only one brave enough to stay was was Dobby’s lesbian adoptive mother, 13 year old, Hermione Granger. She was sitting in a lawn chair she’d conjured atop the Hufflepuff table with some popcorn. “Go son!” She called, always supportive of her child and his murderous and homphobbic tendencies. 

Dobby grinned, as he tiktok danced to the tune ‘mama said that it was okay. Mama said that it was quite alright.’

However, his heart dropped out his ass when he noticed that both muculent Winky and Daddy Snapey had fled the Great Hall upon the horrific murder of The Weeb. He physically felt his heart slide out of his asshole. Slimy. It’s at that moment he knows that he alone will not be enough to secure his lady. “I need McKinley Grace.” He says aloud. He tells his mUm to stay here, giving her a brief and homophobic hug before hurrying to Moaning Myrtle’s strip club. Dobby recalled that Moaning Myrtle looked a lot like Harry Potter, who he now hated on the grounds of homophobia, so decided on going to Snape’s drag show instead. Quickly forcing his heart back into his asshole, like Mr Potato Head, Dobby scuttered out of the   
Great Hall towards Snape’s drag show.

Scuttling down the stone stairs, his sticky feet slapping loudly against the concrete, he made it to the abandoned classroom where Snape usually held his drag show with the explicit permission of Dumbledore, a drag enthusiast himself. When he enters the room, he is disappointed that Snape still has his clothes on; he had been hoping to see whether the copy of A Guide to a Happy Penis had been working. If he doesn’t end up killing the greasy man he might have to just ask for a peak. 

“Snape, show me your dick.” Dobby demands. When Snape looks shocked Dobby quickly backtracks. “Your…. stick that you beat students with!” When Snape begins to unzip his trousers Dobby scuttles away in shock.

“WHAT THE FUCK YOU SICKO?!” He decides that he has no choice but to chop this man’s dick off and end his whole career. Maybe Gonzy could make another tasty soup with it? The staff had seemed to like the Ginny Surprise. 

“Listen here, fucko. You’re a creepy incel that wants to fuck Harry Potter’s dead mum! Newsflash! You’re still a virgin not because you’re not attractive, I mean not gonna lie your dark and mysterious personality is kind’ve sexy, like I wouldn't mind clapping those, probably, greasy cheeks myself but I have my sexy motherfucker Winky, whose cheeks are very much alive. Sorry, kind’ve went off on a tangent there but what I’m trying to say is you’re still a virgin because you’re a creepy incel. I already said that, but it’s so true I’m saying it twice, you creepy incel. Because of this, you have lost your dick privileges.”

Dobby pulls out a knife.

Snape’s dick shakes in fright like a rattlesnake tail when threatened. He pulls out his own weapon of choice, a neon green chainsaw shaped like McKinley Grace the sexy basilisk. Much sexier than the one Harry had stabbed several times at 12 years old after it had petrified and almost killed several students, as Hogwarts is a very safe place to send your child. That one's name was Kayleigh Marie. 

What ensued was a battle of wills, dicks, and unconventional weapons. 

All the while, Winky was practicing her self choreographed pole dance to an Amazing Grace and Sweet Caroline mashup. Tears streaming down her face. 

The framed portrait of the most powerful witch of all time, Ebony Dementia Dark'ness Raven Way, watched on in amazement. 

“You’re not the first to try and take my cock and you won’t be the last.” Snape then reveals his secret animagus form, a platypus. 

Dobby blinked motherfuckerly. He couldn’t harm a platypus, he was an Agent P stan, and didn’t even know if they possessed peepees. Google doesn’t work inside Hogwarts! Fucking wizards. Dobby invented Google.

“Are you gonna fight or are you just gonna pull out all your weapons?” Winky asked, going hands-free on the pole as her elf vagina held on. Very grippy. Very sticky. 

“Are we?” Dobby asks the platypus who simply growled in response, the chainsaw lying next to him. 

Using all his feral platypi rage, Snape launched his rectangular body at the wrinkly elf, knocking Dobby over with a moist thud. Dobby scuttled to his feet.

“I’ve been waiting for this one! Turn it up!” Winky cried, beginning to violently pole dance to the sounds of the elf and Snape as a platypus assaulting each other. They both know they will be too distracted by Winky fucking Tearing It Up on the pole to commit murder so they quickly dip into the corridor.

They scuttle down past filled classrooms, swinging their weapons and dodging hits, gracefully, like a cursed deleted scene from the smash hit series Phineas and Ferb. 

Suddenly, the door to the classroom opened and in scuttles Harry Potter. An interesting fact about Harry Potter is that he is called Harry Potter because his first name is Harry and his last name is Potter.

“Sir, I have a question about the homework.” He says.

Dobby was going to question why Harry didn’t notice that his teacher was a platypus, but when Dobby turned his attention back to Snape, the man was once again a creepy human incel. Snape threw a chair at Harry, and Harry bisexually fled the classroom, bisexually.

Dobby savagely scuttled and leapt onto Snape, but he landed upon his greasy scalp and slid right off! Fuck! 

“THIS ENDS NOW, SNIVVY!” He screams, dusting the Slytherin lice out of his wrinkles. He drops his basic knife and pulls, from his flesh pouch, a cheese grater. The, without hesitation as this has gone on long enough, goes to town. He grates Snape’s dick like it’s a block of cheddar cheese. Jesus fucking christ, Mae. 

Snape screams. Then dies. Dobby could see the ghost of his platypus animagus soaring up to heaven, whilst the rest of him went to hell for wanting to shag a dead lady and bullying children for years because she said no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was mae's fault


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> weasley funeral

The day following The Shredding™ of Sexy Snivelly, Snapey Winky received a letter inviting her and a plus one to the funeral of the 8 fallen Weasley’s. She decided to invite their murderer, Dobby, as her plus one, because he looks sexy in a suit. 

Dobby of course, accepts, eager for a way to start building their sexual relationship.. What better place than a funeral for 6 ginger children and their ginger parents. Perhaps in Percy’s ginger coffin? No, maybe not. That’s disrespectful.

Dobby may not show it but he is nervous for the funeral and slowly begins to comfort dance the macarena but Winky notices with her large, moist eyes.

“Don’t be nervous my wrinkly king, everyone loves you!” Winky said, ignoring the fact that Dobby was actually a serial killer, responsible for the deaths of all 8 Weasley’s, as well as other miscellaneous Hogwarts weebs and staff.

“Mum will be here to pick us up soon.” Dobby replies, referring to his adoptive mother, the 13 year old lebian Hermione Granger. As if summoned, Hermnoie rounds the bend at that moment, muggle heelys propelling her towards her homophobic elven son and weird lesbian earrings jingling.

“Hey kids!” She says cheerfully, ignoring the fact that Winky and Dobby have been around for as long as Dumbledore has been sexually active. So, a long fucking time. Nasty slut. “We need to leave if we’re to be on time.”

Dobby and Winky nodded in agreement, their large elven ears audibly slapping against their bald scalps. Hermione toothily smiled at the morally grey elves, before ramming them in the fireplace and covering them with floo powder.

“The ginger family’s funeral!” They screeched clearly, unlike Harry Potter’s Deeugan Ollie ass. 

Dobby and Winky’s mounds of wrinkled flesh tumble out of the ginger fireplace into a room full of sobbing people. Clearly the news that all the Weasley’s (bar Arthur who was actually murdered by his wife and Bill who’s still alive) had been savagely murdered by Dobby had not spread yet, and Dobby was free to mingle with the mourners. 

He interlaced his bony grabbing sticks with Winky’s own and together they pushed through the wailing witches and wizards, mainly ginger. Even looking upon the neon hair colour made Dobby retch.

Spying the only surviving Weasley offspring, Bill, Dobby scuttled over to him to make a request.

Turning his knees inwards and pointing his fingers together he asked “May I perform a song dedicated to your wonderful ginger family?” His adam’s apple bobbing as he attempted not to vomit.

Bill smiled softly at the elf, not knowing he had horrifically murdered his entire family, and kindly agreed to let the elf perform. Dobby smiles, offers his condolences, and homophobically scutters off towards the hearth, a makeshift stage.

Bill kindly amplifies Dobby’s voice and kindly thanks him for taking the time to prepare a piece. Dobby clears his throat as the ginger coffins are being chucked into the dirt outside the kitchen window, before shyly addressing the room full of mourners. 

“Ummm, hewwo everyone! My name is Dobby and I just wanted to perform this song for a family that has, in so many ways, irrevocably changed my life. Before I met them I was just a normal, morally light elf and now I’m… well… let’s just say that this song was prepared with love uwu. Hit it Winky!”

Out of nowhere, the karaoke track for the song Timber by Pitbull begins bumping, rocking the Burrow’s whole questionable foundation. 

“I'm just a dumb, redhead ginger! You better run! I want your soul! I'm just a pale, freckled ginger! I came from hell, my blood is cold. I have no soul. I have no soul. I want your soul.  
I want your soul.” Dobby begins, scream singing to the shock of the majorly ginger room. Bill gets up to protest, as any ginger would, but stops when a large hand forces him back onto the couch. It’s Hagrid who is vibing. 

“Gingers! Have no friends.  
And no one will have sex with them.  
They come out at night they creep and crawl.  
Who does God hate most of all?” Dobby asks, still scream singing. Winky pipes up from her spot on top of the cupboard, “Gingers!”

“Who should have never been born?” “Gingers!”

“Who's adopted?” “Gingers!”

“Who belongs with floating turds in a fucking toilet bowl?” On this one, most of the room joins in, “Gingers!”

Suddenly Harry Potter flew out of the bathroom and launched himself at the gingerphobic elf.

“WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE? YOU MURDERED THE WEASLEYS!” Harry roared in pro-ginger anger.

Bill’s jaw fell off in surprise, and the room burst into pandamonium, as many ginger witches and wizards attempted to stomp on Dobby. He rolls around on the handcrafted ginger floor, the Timber karaoke track still playing.

Winky, is still perched atop the cupboard like a ugly hairless cat, is still humming the Gingers! song but stops when she sees that Dobby may actually get squished by violent gingers. 

“We need McKinley Grace.” She whispers, jumping down to save Dobby from certain crushing on her own without help. Deep down in the bowels of the Chamber of Secrets, Dumbledore peepees his pants.

“Dobby! Babe! Sexy ass! Literally the most attractive elf ever crafted! Grab my sexy claw!” Winky shrieks in a pitch so high, bats can use their echolocation to locate her sexy ass. They do. Suddenly a swarm of Snape-looking bats swoop in the open, ginger window clawing and flapping the faces of the approximately 112 gingers attempting to stomp Dobby into applesauce. Winky supposed that if Dobby was indeed turned into applesauce, that he would be very tasty applesauce.

When Dobby finally homophobically touches his claw with Winky’s own they are instantly portkeyed away. When he opens his moist eyes he finds himself in Dumbledore’s wardrobe that he has solely dedicated to vintage lingerie.

“Winky?” He asks, softly stroking her moist, bald head, “Why are we in Dumby’s wardrobe?”

However, when he turned to face her, she was violently sniffing Dumbledore’s collection of stained, vintage thongs. Later, during Dobby’s private Keeping Up With The Kardashians style interview, he would say, “If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve seen Winky sniff lingerie I’d have 2 nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice right?” 

“Sorry, babe.” Winky says after sensually sniffing the sexy, soft, stained lingerie, “I just come here sometimes when life gets too crazy. Like when you’ve just witnessed your lover be almost stomped into applesauce by a hoard of gingers whose family he horrifically and brutally murdered.”

Dobby elected to ignore her, and homophobically scuttered out the closet. Leaving Winky behind to sniff some more. 

At his desk sat Dumbledore.

“Dobby, my elven boy, what can I do for you?” The ancient homosexual queried.

Dobby sighed and took a seat across from Dumbledore, who for some reason is covered in urine, pouring himself two shots of vodka.

“My sexy elf girlfriend is sniffin your thongs again, Dumbledore.” Dobby says and is surprised when the old gay simply laughs and rolls his REALLY FUCKING BLUE EYES LIKE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TWINKLE HOLY SHIT. They also do not make a sound when he rolls them, unlike the house-elves.

“What is it, Dumbledore?”

“My scent is sexy.” Dumbledore admits, shrugging his ancient shoulders. “Winky is not the first and will most likely not be the last to be enticed to sniff in that wardrobe.”

Dobby is fascinated, “Who has sniffed in there before my sexy one, Albus?” He tries to guess who it could’ve been, Harry Potter being a prime suspect. 

“Well let me think. Sirius Black was a frequent sniffer of my stocking in particular. Lucius Malfoy enjoyed a good inhale of my thongs, like your dear Winky. And who can forget the time I found Tom Riddle suckling on my lace frillings.” He smiles, thinking back to his early years as a teacher always made him nostalgic.   
“Well, good.” Dobby nods aggressively.

“I have a present for dear Winky. She has been requesting it all year.” Dumbledore said.

He hands Dobby a black hairbrush.

“The forgotten hairbrush of Lucius Malfoy. She likes to eat the hairs.” Dumbledore explains..

Dobby decides he will take credit for this present. Maybe then she’ll smell His possessions and not the late sexy snivelly Snapey or the currently alive Dumbly’s. “Thank you for this, Al! Talk to you later! XD” Dobby says before mumbling “gay ass” under his breath and leaving to go wrap the brush. 

Dobby saw the mass murder Sirius Black vibin in the corridor outside Dumbledore’s office, holding hands with the new Defence Againts the Dark Arts professor Remus Lupin, but as a mass murderer himself, Dobby could respect the grind and decided to mind his own business. Then he remembered his homophobia. Whipping back around like he’s Willow Smith in 2010 he homophobically scuttered over to the mass murderer and the teacher.

“Look, from one mass murderer to another,” Dobby began. “I can stand the killing, but holding hands with a man is out of line.”

“He’s a werewolf.” Sirius explained.

“Fucking furry.” Dobby spat.

In the distance, a student in a fursuit ran away in tears. It was the ghost of Geo the Weeb.

Spitting on them again for being furries, Dobby homophobically scuttered away. If there was one thing he hated more than homosexuals it’s homosexual furries. ‘I could turn him in for the murder of Harry Potter’s ginger cousin or whatever it is he did.’

“Also I shall now conveniently mention that the corpse of ginger Ron Weasley was buried with an alive rat that was missing a toe.” Dobby said, homophobically.

Sirius and Remus’ hearts simultaneously fell out of their asses, with an audible ‘slop’ as they hit the ground.

“I’m about to dig up a child’s coffin on God.” Sirius said, seriously. 

Remus nods, agreeing with that plan wholeheartedly. “Let’s go commit crimes, babe! Uwu!” He says, as Sirius transforms into his persona.   
Dobby homophobically scuttles down the corridor, assaulting a random Hufflepuff as he goes. “And stay down.” The child lies unconscious, but not hate-crimed. 

He is laying there.

Dobby continues on his way, unable to get the thought of Winky sniffing Dumby’s undies. He needed this present to be the most beautifully wrapped shit Winky’s ever seen in her miserable, sexy little life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i cannot recall what happens in this chapter im just pressing publish

Dumbledore furiously masturbates in the corner.

Winky accepted Dobby’s gift of shit with drool running down her wrinkly chin, drying crusty in the deep crevasses. 

“Master has given Winky a brush and a shit!” Winky ejaculates.

“Do you like it, my love?” He asks, fingers tapping gently against each other and knees pointed inwards. 

Winky began to joyfully, but homophobically do the macarena, a comfort dance, so Dobby joins in. 

Suddenly, Remus walks into the Great Hall, holding Sirius’ leash, who scampers next to him. He is not in his animagus form so it’s a bit odd but whatever. In Sirius’ hands is a dead rat and levitating behind him is Ron Weasley’s corpse, soil falling off of him. 

“Keep the dirt off of the floor. Filch will threaten to sue me again if I make him clean it up.” Dumbledore said, tucking his member back into his robes. 

Harry looks up from his morning bowl of bertie’s botts every flavour beans, specifically eating a house elf milk flavoured one, is fucking Floored at the sight of his godfather and teacher levitating his best friend’s dirty corpse. He jumps up from the bench and folds to the floor like a lawn chair, tears flowing from his eyes like viagra falls. 

“Sirius! Lupin! Why are you levitating the corpse of my dead best friend into the school?” Harry exclaims, hugging his godfather and teacher, despite this. 

“Well, lad, sometime in your life you will dig up a child’s corpse then you’ll see.” Lupin said, sagely. Sirius nodded beside him, still enleashed. 

Lupin handed over Sirius’ leash to a nearby house elf, Berry, who Dumbledore then shot with a glock. “Hole in one!” He cries. 

The leash was passed to Harry. Dumbledore would never shoot Harry with a glock. 

Sirius smiles fondly at his godson, “You know what I think, Harry? I think this is what your parents wanted.”

“Really, Sirius?” Harry said, forgetting the levitating corpse that was his best ginger friend. 

“Really, Harry.” Sirius said, hugging the boy before transforming into his fursona and brutally mauling a passing house elf, that had no name because Dumbledore said his vibes were off. 

“Settle down, babe.” Remus said, petting Sirius. 

A Hufflepuff threw up, before fleeing the Great Hall.

However, Dobby had seen this display of love, and his homophobic senses were tingling. His mission in life became to kill Remus and Sirius. But he had to admit, Sirius was rather sexy. “AHHHHHH!” Dobby screamed at his own homophobic thought. 

Then, 2 Ministry officials burst through the door.

“SIRIUS ORION BLACK! WE SAW YOU LOOTING A CHILD’S GRAVE!”

“YEAH AND ALSO YOU”RE STILL WANTED FOR KILLING ALL THOSE MUGGLE!

“ALSO ESCAPING AZKABAN IS A CRIME!”

“ALSO YOU’RE AN ACCUSED DEATH EATER!”

“ALSO YOU JUST REVEALED YOURSELF TO BE AN UNREGISTERED FURRY!”

“ALSO YOU’RE GAY!”

“Woah, dude, the ministry isn’t homophobic.” The first official said to the other.

“Oh shit that’s my bad.”

Sirius transformed back into his human form.

“I simply do not vibe with these charges.” Sirius said, before holding his own leash like the independent man he was, and jumping out of the window. Leaving Remus who was eating a bean with Harry and talking about the events so far. 

The Ministry Officials jumped out after him. With parachutes. With Cornelius Fudge’s face on them. Pompous prick.

“He’s going to be sentenced to the Dementor’s kiss, isn’t he, Sir.” Harry said, sounding sad as yet another potential parental figure is violently removed from his life. Dumbledore’s cool but he has too many weird kinks to be a good father. A daddy maybe. But not a father. 

“Probably.” Remus nodded, before leaving the Great Hall.

Harry sat there, silently crying. Still eating beans. 

He wandered down the corridor, wishing he had someone to talk to, he hadn’t seen Hermione in a while. Thinking.

Harry scampered back to Gryffindor Tower, to collect his school bags before his potions class. Out the window he saw Dobby gently fortnite dancing on the Quidditch pitch and thought nothing of it. When he got to the tower, Neville Longbottom was sat on his bed in their dormitory, crying, as Dobby verbally abused him.

“Hi Neville.” Harry greeted, ignoring the sexy serial killer as he grabbed his bag.

Neville simply wailed, tears pouring from his eyes, in response. And they hadn’t even gotten to potions yet! Snape usually kept a bucket on Neville’s desk to collect his tears for later potions.

Dean and Seamus also walked in to grab their bags before class, looking Neville in the face before they left. 

Harry gave one last longing look at Ron’s now permanently empty bed before leaving the dormitory, hearing the sound of a knife being unsheathed as he closed the door. Harry elected to ignore it.

Inside the dormitory, Neville whimpered as Dobby smiled menacingly.

“Please!” Nevilles whimpered, “I am: homeless. I am: gay. I have: a fungal infection. I am: new in town.” 

Dobby considers this for a moment before putting the knife away and pulling out a single sickle. “I could care less about your living situation or fungal infection but I do hope you find help with your being gay.” 

Neville sobbed harder, thanking the elf and running to potions, not knowing that his potions teacher was dead and his dick shredded.

When Neville arrived at Potions, he saw the sex god Dobby and his girlfriend Winky, wearing teaching robes.

“What’s going on?” Neville asked.

“We’re going be be taught by fucking house elves.” Spat a random Slytherin.

Dobby shot him with a glock, before letting the rest of the class inside.

Once again, Gonzy the elf appeared to sweep up the child.

“Hello class,” Dobby began, standing on the late Severus Snape’s desk. 

“Hi, elf!” A few students called. This made Dobby rationally angry and he scuttered right up to the desk of the two loudest students, Ela and Lauren. “Listen here you little shits! My name is Dobby, write it down, spell it out, tweet that shit. DOBBY!” 

The two girls, a Slytherin and a Ravenclaw, cowered above the small elf. “We’re sorry Dobby!”

“I think you mean Sir” Dobby screamed, getting closer to the scared girls.

“There’s no need to call me sir, Professor.” Harry called cheekily from the corner of the classroom. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Dobby said, snapping his fingers and banishing Harry to the hallway where he was forced to listen to Peeves sing Say So by Doja Cat in the style of Christina Aguilera. 

The girls had taken the brief pause in the elf’s fury to try and scamper out the door. Just as they were about to escape Dobby apparated in front of them in the doorway. “I’m sorry girls but I can’t have students thinking they can disrespect me and just scamper away. You will now have to compete in my Hunger Games. Bring in J Law!” He called out and, through the window, an eagle soared carrying in its talons, Oscar award winning actress and subpar person, Jennifer Lawrence!

“I’m a regular person, like I’m just a normal person I eat pringles which is super quirky!” She said, throwing up a peace sign. 

Dobby projectile vomited, he hates pringles.

He decided teaching wasn’t his vibe, so assaulted all the students before apparating to Sirius Black, who was about to be kissed by a Dementor for his numerous crimes. 

It would be two days before the corpses of both Jennifer Lawrence and the two girls, Ela and Lauren, would be found in the potions closet. A single pringle lying on the floor beside them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asf !!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jojo siwa

When Dobby reappears he is homophobically standing in the Ministry of Magic in a room that looked suspiciously similar to how he remembered Her Lord And Savior: Jojo Siwa’s™ room looking. ‘Oh my god.’ Dobby says in his Mind, realizing that not only is he in Jojo Siwa’s™ room but…... 

“Dumbledore's™ sister Ariana™ is actually Jojo Siwa. Yes.” He says, knowingly. 

“Yes.” A godlike voice echoes from somewhere within the really fucking sparkly chamber. 

It was Jojo Siwa™, on the back of Aslan™ who, in turn, was on the back of Liam Neeson™. A vibe.

Dobby instantly bows down to the goddess that is Joelle Joanie "JoJo" Siwa™ (born May 19, 2003) an American dancer, singer, actress, and YouTube™ personality. 

“Arise my sexiest soldier.” She says, sprinkling a pinch of her trademarked Jojo Glitter™ on his moist, muculent, bald head. It stuck to him, the mucus working like glue. “I haven’t seen you since you assassinated that dumbass over at the Durmstrang school, the athlete?” 

“Oh yeah, he was an easy kill. I simply smashed him over the head with a brick. You know I have a keen sense of poetic justice and I’ve always thought Krum looked a bit like a brick and had the personality of a brick wall and so I killed him with a brick!” Dobby said, smiling happily, all 301.5 teeth glimmering in the sparkly lights. In the distance, James Charles is being stabbed a thousand times on the steps of a Roman Cathedral.

Jojo Siwa™ and the sexy little elf both stared dreamily into the distance, thinking about the murdered, at the time, 17 year old boy. “Anyways,” Jojo Siwa™ finally says, breaking them both out of the trance, “Why are you here, Dobby?” 

“Oh! I’m here to see Sirius Black, I heard this is where he’s supposed to be getting the dementor’s kiss. Is that true?” He asked, looking around for the gay. 

Jojo nodded sagely, before pointing in the direction of a matte black door, that is decidedly not very Jojo Siwa.

“Thank you, Your Highness.” Dobby bowed.

Quickly, he homophobically scuttled through the black door and took his seat to watch Sirius Black be kissed. If Dobby couldn’t kill him himself, he was quite happy to watch instead. He conjured some popcorn and patted the bench next to him, inviting Dedalus Diggle to sit next to him.

“Popcorn?” He asked the cheerful little man. 

“Popcorn? Yes please!” He said, greedily grabbing the popcorn prompting a glare from the elf. 

At that moment, Sirius Blsck was dragged into the room by two very important ministry officials, however he was still holding the corpse of the deceased Ronald Weasley. (Which was now collecting flies) The Minister of Magic raised a well groomed eyebrow.

“He’s put a permanent sticking charm on the dead boy’s arm to his hand, Minister.” One of the officials explained.

The Minister simply nodded, and allowed Sirius to be dragged further into the room, and be buckled into a chair. “How would you like it sir?” One official asked the minister.

“Chair.” He said, smiling, eyes dead. 

“Yes, but sir?”

“But….. make it electric.”

As one, all the people in the room started a wave and fucking screamed “Boogey woogey woogey!” 

Just then, a cage of Dementors dropped in front of the electric chair.

Dobby grinned homophobically, ready to watch one of his enemies die, but his smile slowly dropped when he saw that Sirius Black was seducing the Dementor.

“Come here, you sexy ting.” Sirius said, huskily.

“They were roommates.” Diggle explained. 

“Oh my god, they were roommates.” Dobby gasped, realising that the plan was about to backfire spectacularly. 

And there it was. To Dobby’s horror, Sirius and the Dementor began to have violent and graphic sex right on the electric chair. It was a wonder to everyone how it was working considering dementors are hardly tangible but it was certainly working. 

“Pull the fucking lever!” Dobby screamed, his blood boiling homophobically.

But no one was listening to him. A live porno with the sexiest being alive and Sirius Black was happening right before their eyes. Even Dumbledore was sitting back, admiring their form. Amelia Bones was taking notes and Cornelius Fudge had pulled out a magical camera. 

“Fine. If no one is going to stop this madness I’ll do it myself.” He rose from his seat, a moist finger raised and ready to strike down the dementor when an equal moist hand grabbed his arm.

He spun around, ready to curse the fool who dared stop him. “HOW DAR- Winky?” He asked, looking into the humongous eyes of his love. 

“Yes, babe, it’s me. Don’t embarrass yourself, come home and we’ll have our own violent and graphic sex.” 

Tears welled up in Dobby’s humongous eyes, “....you promise?” He asked, tapping his fingers together and knees pointed inwards. “Promise.” Winky confirmed and they both apparated away, leaving behind a beautiful scene. 

Unbeknowst to both Winky and Bill Weasley (the only surving weasley) a plan was formulating in Dobby’s head about how to murder Draco Malfoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jojo siwa


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i can't remember a single thing that happens in this chapter

When the two homophobically sexy elves reappeared they were in Winky’s private chamber dedicated solely to fucking. Among the people she’s brought to this chamber is Succulent Severus Snape, Ravishing Rita Skeeter, and of course Devilish Daddy Dobby. Those are the actually titles that Winky gave her minions. She even made cute little plaques to hang on the wall over the respective mats she railed them on. 

Dobby’s heart dropped. Was he not the only specimen to have been beautifully bonked by Winky? How many other secrets was the love of his life hiding from him? 

And then he saw it.

Dead centre in the middle of the wall was an alcove.

It was a shrine dedicated to Snape.

“Winky,” Dobby began, his voice wobbling, “What is this?”

“It’s my Snape shrine, but don’t worry about that now baby, I thought we were gonna roleplay as Sirius and the Dementor?” Wobby replied, her moist eyes wide. She reached out a moist hand to caress Dobby’s face which he went to slap away but, looking in her glistening eyes, instead let her cup his sexy face. 

“I love you, Winks. Let me go take a piss and then I’ll get to put my schlong in your hole for the first time!” He scuttled homophobically to the bathroom, whistling the ginger song. He took a piss and was going to wash the newly formed mucus off his hands. He was about to re-enter the sex chambers when, out of the corner of his fucking enormous eyeball he saw a pregnancy test lying on the sink. A glaring “you’re knocked up, whore” was gleaming showing that, whoever had taken it, was preggy as fuck. 

He homophobically folded like a lawn chair that’s been in the family for twenty years onto the cold hard ground. He had never had the chance to cummie in Winky, and therefore her newest addition to her organs was not his doing. He thought about scuttering back into the sex chamber and giving Winky a piece of his rotund, sexy mind. But just as he was about to cartwheel through the wall he stopped. 

“Maybe instead of being irrational I should be murderous?” He thought, logically. His face then morphed into that of Jim Carrey’s Grinch. If anyone had walked in they would have been instantly horny. 

Alas he still wanted murder.

Sprinting down the corridors of Hogwarts, his muculent feet slapping against the harsh concrete, he spotted a student. [Target Acquired] 

The target in question was Neville Karen Anus Longbottom, heir to the most Ancient and Noble House of Anus-Longbottom. 

“Please, Collin I have so much to live for I have a wife and kids!” Neville yelled, panicked. 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Collin Cretin Creevey screeched back, like a screech owl.

Dobby scuttled over to the quarrelling boys, biting his lip like Lin-Manuel Miranda himself, and bit the boys ankles, sending them crashing to the ground. He then feasted upon their ankles, 

All the while his younger brother, Dennis was recording on their massive camcorder. 

“Angles, Dennis! Angles!” Collin snapped, a small worm between his toothy-pegs. 

“Sorry, boss!” Dennis smiled, angling the camera to capture the rabid look in Dobby’s eyes as he devoured Collin’s left ankle. 

Dobby continued devouring Neville Karen Anus-Longbottom for a good 27 minutes before he finally stood up, brushed off his dick, and bowed to the brothers, “Good evening gentlemen.”

He then put in his 3 airpods, two for his ears and one up into his anal cavity, and began blasting Ribs by Lorde just to feel something.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you read this all the way through thank u so much this has been so much fun to write bye bye mwah

While Dobby was listening to Ribs by Lorde while being salivated on by McKinley Grace he kept repeating one of the lines in the song over and over to himself.

~The drink you spilt all over me~

Never had a line resonate so deeply with Dobby before. Despite being freed from the Malfoy’s, the days of being forced to eat Draco’s shit-covered coals was permanently etched into his mind, influencing his every decision and move; and Lorde was inspiring him to move on.

But to move on from this, he needed to erase Draco from the Earth. That was the only way he could find peace. Unfortunately, he had left his favourite glock at Malfoy Manor, where he had heard a rumour Lord Voldemort himself was staying at. He knew he had to leave immediately, he couldnt pass up the chance to both acquire his favorite glock and potentially fuck the god of sex himself, Voldy. 

He apparated to Malfoy Manor appearing right in front of none other than Voldemort himself, who was surprisingly being considerate of the Malfoy’s buffed and polished floors, as he was taking his shoes off and leaving them in the shoe rack that Dobby had built himself.

Upon hearing the telltale crack of apparition, Voldemort spun around to face the elf.

Dobby reacted on instinct.

He launched himself onto Voldemort’s rotund, bald header and began to bite the shit out of him. But there was an issue. He was biting into a bald cap. And under the bald cap…

Voldemort was ginger.

Voldemort was a Weasley.

Dobby’s jaw dropped to the floor in shock, the latex cap falling from his mouth as the Dark Lord screeched trying to cover his ginger locks in vain. 

“OMG look away! It’s not what it looks like!” Voldemort cried, searching frantically for his bald cap which was under Dobby’s muculent foot. 

“Y-you’re a Weasley? You’re a fucking ginger??” Dobby screamed, finally getting over his initial shock and realising the gravity of this revelation. 

Voldemort dove for his shredded bald cap, knocking the sexy elf off his feet but not managing to grab it which immediately escalated into an all out fight. Daddy Dark Lord versus Hottie House Elf, sex god versus sex god, Ginger versus homophobe. 

“Dobby your glock!” Came a cry from inside the Manor.

And there she was in all her glory. Narcissa Malfoy. His one ally in the house.  
His glock flew through the air as she tossed it to the struggling house elf, and Dobby easily caught it with his muculent fingers.

BANG.

Dobby had shot the Dark Lord with a glock.

The ginger looked down in shock at the blood spilling out of his pasty abdomen. He collapsed onto his knees and softly uttered his final words; “I shit the bed.”

In the distance, Hokey the House Elf, who was washing Voldy’s shit covered sheets from the night before, nodded solemnly. 

Staring into the faces of the now leaderless Death Eaters, Dobby simply noped out of the situation and apparated back to Hogwarts, where ickle Draco Malfoy was tucked up asleep in his dorm.

Armed with the glock, Dobby lurked menacingly at the foot of the youngest Malfoy’s bed. 

“Wake up, you ignorant slut.” Dobby said, his voice hard. 

Draco shot up into standing position on his pillow with a shriek, “Dobby???” He asked, rightfully confused as to why his old house elf would be standing at the foot of his bed with a glock. 

“Sayonara, bitch.” 

And with a bang, Draco Malfoy was no more.

Dobby dropped the gun as if it burnt him, stumbling back from Malfoy’s corpse, all the grief and guilt of his murders hitting him all at once like a freight train. His chest heaved as sobs wracked his body, his bony spiny pressed against the cool brick wall of the Slytherin dormitories as he attempted to ground himself.

“Dobby?” Came a kind, warm voice.

Dobby looked up, his sight blurry from unshed tears. It was Bill. The last remaining Weasley.

“It’s okay Dobby. You’re okay.” Bill soothed, coming to sit down next to the guilt-stricken elf, wrapping his pale, muscular arms around Dobby’s slight frame, that still shook ever so slightly as he held back his emotions in front of the eldest and only surviving Weasley.

“I’m a murderer.” Dobby whispered, his voice cracking as another sob welled up in his throat.

“Yes you are. You killed both my parents, all my siblings, and other miscellaneous Hogwarts students. But I forgive you Dobby.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, Dobby’s quiet sobs the only sound, as he rested his head on Bill’s shoulder. Suddenly, Bill got to his feet.

“Where are you going?” Dobby said, his voice still croaky from the tears.

Bill remained silent as he approached the corpse of Draco Malfoy, and lifted up the deceased Slytherin’s hand to remove the signature gold snake ring that all Slytherin’s wore. He then turned to Dobby and got down on one knee. Dobby’s jaw dropped open in shock.

“Dobby. I know we’ve only talked once before today at my family’s funeral. Family you, yourself, brutally murdered. But I can’t deny how I feel about you and today has only proved what I think I always knew. I love you Dobby. More than I ever loved any of the family you slaughtered. More than I love curse breaking or quidditch or shrimp soup. And I love all those things. So Dobby, light of my life, will you make the happiest and only Weasley alive? Will you marry me?” 

Dobby looked into Bill’s clear blue eyes and saw the genuine love and affection he held for him. No tricks, no lies, just love.

“Yes.” Dobby breathed.

Bill took Dobby’s bony, muculent hand, and slid Draco’s Slytherin insignia ring onto his spindled fingers. He then suddenly picked the House Elf up, spun him around, and kissed him, their tongues battling for dominance. The battle was especially heated as House Elves have upwards of 9 tongues. 

19 years later

Bill and Dobby Weasley stood on the side of Platform 9 ¾ with their 4 children. The murderous urges that had plagued Dobby had not returned in years. The newest generation of Weasley’s boarded the Hogwarts express under the watchful eyes of their fathers.

A gay couple passed in front of the Weasley family and flashed Dobby a smile. He returned it without hesitation. 

All was well.

**Author's Note:**

> we are sorry


End file.
